I was on my knees begging for mercy from immense, intense, unrelenting emotional pain. I was nauseas and sweating from drug withdrawals and I was neglecting my dying beloved great dane to spend every waking minute with a man who abused me in every way. He said it outright (that he didn’t want me, he didn’t love me, we were just friends), I just wanted to believe I could make it different.
Like Maya Angelou always said, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.”
I finally woke up one day to realize that he wasn’t humiliating me; I was. He was abusing me because I allowed him to. In fact I invited him to. I used him to prove to myself how unworthy and unlovable and useless I was. He simply, by doing what he does in life, reinforced for me every negative belief I held about myself.
So I made a decision in that AHA moment that I would make it stick in whatever way I could. I went to detox for a week and when the fog began to clear, I began to grieve.
I grieved for the loss of my dog, for the choices I had made, for the loss of the protection of fantasy. I grieved for lost time. I grieved for myself. I now had a new fight. And that was for my life, for my sobriety. For the GOOD of my life. I was clean and sober and out of this relationship. I had no job, no responsibilities, no expectations.
The slate was clear. The world was my oyster.
I was in life coaching school by this point and began to learn that every one of those agonizing emotions I had experienced was attached to a deeply held negative belief which in turn created my actions which then showed up in the results of my life. So while I would never have thought of myself as a victim I was living and creating a life of victimhood.
In a nutshell, I discovered the cliché was true: What we think becomes our reality.
Once I cleaned out my thinking, it wasn’t hard to grasp that the entire journey was about creating safety for myself. It was about learning the art of self-compassion, self-kindness, self-respect, self-love, self-validation, self-trust and cheerleading myself all along the way.
As a result of cleaning up my thinking, my chronic illness and quality of my life has improved by at least 70% from where it was just five years earlier! That’s tremendous. I am clean and sober. I have learned coping skills that I never had before. I have set and achieved goals, my friendships are stronger and the best part is that I have learned to SUIT UP AND SHOW UP NO MATTER WHAT! Even when I don’t feel like it, showing up means to me that I am engaging in life and no longer avoiding reality or hiding from it. No longer a zombie watching my life pass by like a bad dream, I am awake and alive and engaged in designing the life I want to live.
So now my mission is to help smart, successful women reverse the pattern of attracting draining and toxic relationships so that they can thrive in healthy, happy, fulfilling ones. I also help women learn to live with chronic pain and illness. Women with a history of trauma, anxiety and substance abuse benefit from working with me to uncover their painful belief systems, get firmly grounded in reality and then to begin to write a new story!
I know this for certain: No grit. No pearl.
But I also know that should you choose to embark on this healing journey, the world is your oyster as well! You will be free to design the life you want to live. You get to choose.
So are you in or are you out?
Praise for Wendy
Wendy is an amazing coach! I have personally worked with her both individually and in group settings and she is very intuitive, caring and great at facilitating change in people. I have witnessed this firsthand myself and with others in the group. She has a wide collection of engaging tools and resources, and is wonderful at listening and asking leading questions, and then in very caring ways, guides the client away from the heaviness and into the light of solutions, and openness and looking at things from a new perspective. I highly recommend Wendy to women who are searching for change in their life and a healing guide to help them reach their full potential.
I made more progress in 3 sessions with Wendy than I made in 3 months of counseling. I started out feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed by a complicated, nuanced situation. Wendy cut through my "yeah, buts" and "I can't do anything" right to the heart of it and helped me find the light at the end of the tunnel. Her background in psychology, her coaching skills, her insight and compassion... they all came together in an alchemical way. I'm feeling better than I have in years and I'm on the cusp of some exciting new adventures. Wendy gets where I'm coming from and knows how to move me in the direction I want to go.
"I highly recommend Wendy Holthaus as a Coach. Wendy has an arsenal of techniques to work with a variety of problems; including but not limited to addictions, abuse, personality disorders, etc. When a problem is beyond her scope, she refers out to those professionals better able to deal with it. My respect for her skills has grown out of a group counseling experience that she led for three months. If I find I need further assistance in the future or one-on-one sessions, I would not hesitate to call on Wendy.
I am so happy and lucky that you found your calling and I found you!!!
Join a group. Wendy Renee Holthaus is Ah-mazing!! There are no words to describe how much she has helped me. Truly life-changing. I have accomplished more in the past 12 weeks than I have my whole life. The tools provided are priceless and will help you in every area of your life. Just do it. It's incredible.
This group (LEAN IN) came to me when I was ready and had ears to hear it's message! I am so thankful Wendy for your insight, timely wisdom and probing, thought-provoking questions. With your guidance and the help of this group, my world has opened up and my heart feels free! I am so proud to say that I am no longer lonely!!!! I never thought I would ever say that!!!! Because of the fabulous exercises and thought work you introduced gently and with love, I was able to overcome something that has plagued me my entire life! I am filled with self love and respect and I am in love with my life and excited for the future! None of that could have happened without you, Wendy or this group! Thank you Wendy.
Donna MacDowell Davis
I am so glad I ran across Wendy on FB! I don't know what I would have done without her coaching. There is truly no judgment, no shame...just help in getting you on the right track and making you feel better about yourself. Nothing like life coaching..thank you Wendy..better than any psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor I have EVER been too!
Wendy walked me through a surprising and unexpected low point in my professional career with concern and compassion. She hung in there with me until I was able to crawl out of the hole I had suddenly fallen into. I appreciated her insight, and benefitted greatly from her caring perspective.